Seven: A Proposal

Over the past few days, I've received some marriage proposals...

My friends tell me I move too quickly, so I'm going out on a limb here... will you marry me? Oops, I meant to say hi :D 

I'm neither charmed nor frightened. I don't intend on messaging this person back. In fact, I'm flattered that someone would want to marry me without having ever met me, let alone without even knowing my name.  Humor, much like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. This type of humor leaves me with a blank face. What am I supposed to make of this? Do I respond LOL even though my "laughing out loud" was caused by the cheesiness of this message?

Hey sweetie I'm Leo and I want to get to know you more I'm looking for a relationship on the adult level like my future wifey and I think your beautiful and I would like to see if we have any spark

Mind you, my dating profile specifically states that I am not looking for a long-term relationship.  Thanks for thinking I'm beautiful.  However, I don't want to get to know you more, considering your message was literally a run-on sentence, and you list God as one of your inspirational people. That's all I need to know.

I have high standards, among which knowing how to use punctuation and how to write a grammatically correct paragraph are a few. Also - the usage of a smiley face in a non-ironic way is a way to have me automatically reject you. So just don't.

Six: Call Me Sometime...

hello beautiful. how are you doing.
what is your cell#? thanks. 

Five: Pickup Lines that May Work Better IRL

I'm now Google Imaging the messages, and using an image from the results to illustrate the message.

it take years for something to be perfect it took one moment to notice perfection ........how r u doing

Four: Compliments

hey
how are you
you have lovely eyes and gorgeous hair
hope to chat

Why, thank you! Does that mean that you'll notice if I cut my hair, because it is ever so rare that a male does notice such things.  You might have a chance... alas, according to your profile, you're only in New York for a week. Those long distance things never work out.

Compliments from people I don't know are great for a few reasons.

• They make me feel great about myself
• They obviously aren't judging me based on my great personality [also the best thing about online dating].

This is another favorite:

Hey,
You seem pretty cool and your looks are off the charts;) I'd love to hang out sometime. Are you free to grab drinks? I'm game to see where things go if we meet up.

It is a funny feeling to have complete and total strangers telling me that I "seem pretty cool."  For all they know, I can be a "pretty cool" serial killer [I'm not]. Or I can be a "pretty cool" ex-convict [another noun I am not].

Dear Strangers,
Thank you for your compliments, but I don't think that you're my type and if we were to date things probably wouldn't work out.  As cool as you think I am, and as pretty as you think I am, I'm not quite sure I am able to say the same about you - which is judgmental and mean, but online dating is online dating and you judge people based on how they display themselves, and people are mean.

I didn't actually respond with that.  I'm not actually a mean person, and I'd rather not respond than write something which could, possibly, ruin someone's entire day.

Three: Honestly Honest

"I'm going to be very honest and straightforward here. I am only looking for a hook up/casual fun. I'd rather tell you this now than later lol. I know this is the most cliche thing a guy can say, but it's all I feel like right now.
I'm sure I offended you and you must think I'm a jerk, but I'd rather be honest.
If you're into that sort of thing let me know"

Aw, shucks. Thanks for being so honest and straightforward. It is greatly appreciated!
Don't get me wrong, I'm not not into "that sort of thing;" I'm not looking for another long-term relationship. I would just wait until, in a really great situation, after the first date to set out goals and expectations. Like normal people do.  In a not-as-really-great situation, then after the first night spent together.  I'm not offended, and I certainly don't think you're a jerk, but maybe you should reconsider your courtship tactics.

Sir, I know you would rather be honest. Everyone wants to be honest. There's a time and a place to be honest, and, honestly, it's not now.

Two: Don't Take Yourself too Seriously

Hi! My much needed (and unfortunately brief) study break has allowed me to stumble across your profile, and I must say that you're quite interesting. I admire the fact that you're highly driven, but don't take yourself too seriously. And I freaking love Jeopardy. I'm that guy screaming the answers at the TV (in the form of a question, of course. lol) I'd enjoy exploring some hole-in-the-wall joints with amazing food, and maybe you could join me. Any interesting plans for the weekend? Anyway, it's back to the books for me. Enjoy the rest of your evening. Hope to hear from you soon.

My profile makes no mention about taking myself too seriously.  Apparently, it's a trait many people claim to possess and look for in potential mates.

One.

In March, I broke up with my boyfriend of three and a half years.

1. I am a law student.
   a. None of my nearest, dearest not-law school friends live in New York City year-round.
   b. 99% of my friends in New York City are from law school.
2. I started a dating website account.
   a. I thought this would be a great way to meet people.
3. It's actually better for making myself laugh hysterically in the middle of the day.

These are love letters sent via internet from people I have never met, nor will ever meet.